Miami Connection

Miami Connection
(1987) [Trailer]
Directors: Woo-sang Park (as Richard Park), Y.K. Kim (uncredited)

So bad it's good. That's a phrase that gets thrown around a bit, especially with Miami Connection. I do believe in that mantra and I love a good shitty movie from time to time. So I made the $15 dollar blind buy on the blu-ray and went all in on this ninja masterpiece.

Synopsis: A Taekwondo rock band (yes, you read that right) are targeted by a group of secret ninjas for extermination... and I'm not really sure why.

This movie is definitely bad. Real bad. The acting is hilarious, it makes the film a comedy. I'm not really sure who told Y.K. Kim (the main protagonist) he could act, but thank God they did, because he sucks in the best way possible. I love that the kung-fu band are all orphans, all live together, play in a band together, and all go to college together at the University of Central Florida (which was made apparent in many scenes). 

The band also plays some pretty sweet tunes including this masterpiece:

There are a slew of weird things about this movie. Things that make no sense. It's fun sitting back and watching it unfold and thinking to yourself "Why? What in the hell were they thinking?" Like why is the black dude always walking around the house with his pants unbuttoned? Or why do the cops show up with guns drawn to an empty parking lot, then seemingly just give up trying to figure out where all the bad guys just went? Great police work there guys.

Or why they decided to film this scene?

This film is a trainwreck, but worth a poke just to see how awfully awesome it is.

Friday the 13th - Every Last One of Them... and Yes, I'm Serious.

It's October and Halloween is upon us. Halloween is my favorite holiday (not really, but it helps sell this review), the weather is always nice, evil is in the air and horror movies are abundant. Last Halloween I went through the entire Halloween franchise (which you can read HERE), this year I decided to knock out all 10 of the Friday the 13th films... I think I've made a huge mistake.

This is a special time of year and this is a special review, so I'm including some new shit. I will give this write up the standard Arnold rating, which you have all come to know and love... right? I'm also including two other ratings.

Friday the 13th
(1980)
Director: Sean S. Cunningham

I've seen this a few times now and I still enjoy it... actually I consider it one of the better films in the series. There's no Jason Voorhees in this, which I don't mind since I'll be spending a lot of time with him in all the other ones. There's also a young Kevin Bacon, so all the other people involved, who probably have no acting careers now, can easily win at the game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. All the teen victims are pretty average and the acting is crappy, but it's still fun and plants the seeds for what's to come.

Friday the 13th Part 2
(1981)
Director: Steve Miner

Jason takes the reins in this one and starts his inevitably long journey into killing hundreds of people. I felt like most of the cast were really forgettable in this and the long ass recap in the beginning was pretty annoying. The two best kill scenes in this were lifted from Mario Bava's Bay of Blood... you can watch them and judge for yourself (Bava's machete kill and spear kill and Part II's machete kill and spear kill.) There were a few decent moments here and there but ultimately this film is a little lack luster.

Friday the 13th Part III
(1982)
Director: Steve Miner

Jason is back! This time he finally gets his mask, so I feel like this installment cemented the franchise's lineage. It is also my favorite of all the movies and the one I've seen the most. The cast are memorable and cheesy (in a good way), the gore is at its peak and there is lots of T&A... basically everything that keeps these fine machines oiled.  I really like the 3D angle and think all the scenes shot specifically for it were rad. It's not like Avatar 3D, it's campy drive-in 3D... and it rules. Biker gangs, an annoying fat guy with a fro and a spear gun murder... what more could you ask for?

Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter
(1984)
Director: Joseph Zito

Jason is back! The Final Chapter my ass... there are many more to come. This is probably my second favorite of the Fridays that I've actually watched, we'll see if some of the other unseen "chapters" can persuade me otherwise. Corey Feldman (Tommy) is holding it down in this one and I liked him a lot in Part IV. These films feel like they need a kid you can root for, and he fit that role perfectly. Crispin Glover also dances so awkwardly, it's worth the price of admission alone. Plenty of boobs, plenty of blood, and all the other staples of Friday the 13th. Good times.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
(1985)
Director:Danny Steinmann

Jason is back! Or is he? Money talks I guess and based off the success of Part IV, they decided to relaunch another installment. This film is universally hated amongst fans of the series because... spoiler from 1985... Jason isn't the killer, it's some shitty paramedic dressed up as Jason. But that's not all that sucks here. The redneck neighbors are the worst, the guy from Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun is Space and his girlfriend singing to each other while he takes a shit is really weird, and the new Tommy looks nothing like Corey Feldman. This is watchable but there are certainly many flaws with it.

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI

(1986)

Director: Tom McLoughlin

Jason is back! The first 10 minutes are excellent. The James Bond intro is really killer, also the look of Jason straight out the grave wins points as well. There is yet another Tommy, he's not great. The sheriff is absurd and completely unreal, it's almost comical. There are no boobs in this one... which is offensive! This is the film where we find out that Jason is evil, but not evil enough to murder little children. Part VI is tame mostly and slow at times, it probably falls somewhere in the middle for me.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

(1988)

Director: John Carl Buechler

Jason is back! This time I'd say he looks the best he's looked so far. Especially when his mask is off, I thought the effects on that were rad. There's an interesting stand off at the end which results in Jason burning "dead" alive, which was extremely well done. Then you see him moments later and the dude looks exactly the same... missed opportunity to make him even more gnarly. The ending to Part VII is horrible, the psychic girl's dead father comes back to life to save her... he's been dead under water for years and still looks just like he did when he dead... lame. This one is pretty forgettable overall.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

(1989)

Director: Rob Hedden

Jason is back! This time he's fucking up New York City... well, kind of. This movie should be titled "Jason Takes a Boat" because that's where most of it takes place. Even when he gets to NYC, most of the time it's still on sets or places that aren't really in the city. The boxing scene with Jason scores this film 1 Arnold alone. There are lots of kills and even as bad as Part 8 is, it's still fun to watch. I almost forgot... the girl making her music video is pretty hilarious, the late 80's were some strange times.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

(1993)

Director: Adam Marcus

Jason's back! Kind of. This is the "final" film of this sweeping epic, sounds familiar right? Guess what, still not the last Friday, they gotta send this bitch to space first. With the title inferring that Jason goes to Hell, one would hope for some insane fights between our masked friend and lots of demon critters from the netherworld. One would be wrong. This film is as much a cocktease as Part VIII. He doesn't even go to hell until the movie is over... lame. Jason gets like 10 minute of screen time, ultimately they decided they'd make his "spirit" hop from one host to the next. It was a bad idea and in the end the film suffers immensely.

Jason X
(2001)
Director: James Isaac

Jason is back... in OUTER SPACE! I love the idea of taking horror franchises to space... I don't know why, but I do. Jason X does a decent job of reinventing Friday the 13th and I thought it was kinda fun. It feels like Aliens, except with Jason... also everyone dresses like they're straight off the set of Firefly/Serenity. The ending is a little wanky and I could have done without the android girl that all the sudden turns into Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil. Still, there wasn't anything too offensive and I enjoyed myself with this one.

Are you still there? Good. If you're not, screw you, I didn't want you reading my review anyways. I figured, I came this far, might as well watch the other two films involving Jason... Freddy vs. Jason and the 2009 remake. Here we go... just hold on a little longer.

Freddy vs. Jason
(2003)
Director: Ronnie Yu

Two horror goliaths pair off against each other in a battle of grandiose proportions. The main issue I have with Freddy vs. Jason is that it feels like a Nightmare on Elm Street movie that had to squeeze Jason Voorhees into it somehow. Jason really feels like an afterthought, up until the last 30 mins. The special effects suck badly, the CG doesn't hold up at all... especially the Freddy centipede... dear lord that thing was hilarious. The characters, their back story, and their performances were all bland and forgetful. This should have been awesome, sadly, it was not. Not even close.

Friday the 13th
(2009)
Director: Marcus Nispel

Jason gets a reboot from Michael Bay's production company, which doesn't bode well for him. If you've seen the film Cabin in the Woods, you'll remember how it spoofed on all the cliches in horror films, well 2009's Friday delivers all those cliches, but it's serious. Michael Bay didn't direct this, but it sure feels like he did. It's so over the top and fake. I wasn't hoping for a lot, and this still fell short of my expectations.

Ninja III: The Domination

Ninja III: The Domination
(1984) [Trailer]
Director: Sam Firstenberg [IMDB]

Yesterday I commented on the social media platform known as the Facebook, that there needed to be more movies about ninjas. When I said that, I meant more movies like Ninja III: The Domination. Ninja III is a blast from the past and a film that inspired me to dress up as a ninja and run around my neighborhood like an idiot at the tender age of 8. So when I saw that Shout Factory (my favorite movie studio ever) cranked out this bad boy on baby blu, you know I had to pick it up.

Synopsis: The spirit of an evil ninja takes over the body of that chick from Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

This movie is awesome. I still love it and I found rewatching it to be a nice treat. It's a fun mash up of a horror movie and a ninja flick... which I think is a great idea, don't you? My viewing of Ninja III was like a leisurely stroll down nostalgia lane. When I was a kid I remember wanting to have a ninja cave stocked with weapons like this film, too bad that never happened.

Don't get me wrong,  this isn't a perfect movie and many who find themselves unfamiliar with ninja movies from the 80's will probably think it's shit... they would be wrong however. The acting is pretty abysmal at times and some of the dialogue could be better, but it's a movie about an evil ninja, so who really cares?

I'd definitely pick this up just for the campy 80's-ness of it all. Or, if you're in NYC come over and I'll let you borrow it... I'm cool like that.

Classic 80's Horror Double Feature: The Fog and The Howling

Recently the greatest studio known to man or beast, Shout Factory, opened the flood gates on horror fans with brand new transfers of The Howling and The Fog onto baby blu. I figured it'd be a good time to rewatch these classics and pay homage to two of my favorite directors.

The Fog
(1980) [Trailer]
Director: John Carpenter [IMDB]

My worship of John Carpenter has been well documented with the hallowed halls of Williams Film Review... don't believe me, then click here. It would be extremely perplexing to try and arrange JC's movies in order from "best" to "not so great" (he doesn't make "worst" films... well maybe, I just have a hard time dealing with it.) Let's say I were to try... The Fog would be in the upper echelon, maybe like 4th or 5th, but definitely in the top 3 for horror from him.

This is the part where I'd normally say "let's put this in and see how it holds up", but that's not needed here... it holds.

Synopsis: Shit gets weird when a small California town stands at the threshold of it's 100 year anniversary and a looming fog roles in off the sound.

I really dig how The Fog opens up, especially the first 20 minutes which are truly ominous and strange. It's fun to watch the town slowly break and shatter as the initial wave of fog creeps onto the scene. After that, when the first daybreak hits, it's Carpenter's job to reel in the story and give you context, which he does masterfully. Then that ending... it's sick. The cross that's too hot to handle for the priest carrying the sins of Antonio Bay, the red eyed veiled threat slowly marching towards its victims, and just when you think everything is cool... nope.

The Fog is indeed a classic. It's a juicy filet mignon, with the correct proportions of seasoning, seared off in a little butter and served medium... in other words... a nice meal.

The Howling
(1981) [Trailer]
Director: Joe Dante [IMDB]

I also love Joe Dante. His films are like tequila... when I drink one I feel all warm inside and if his titles are like tequila brands, then The Howling is like his Patron (that's a nice tequila right?) It has been years since I took a swig of this concoction and as I recollect, it was terrifying, especially the transformation scenes... I mean look at that poster over there to the left... scary shit man.

Synopsis: A killer is on the lose in San Fran. A local reporter gets tangled up in a trail that leads to the killer and a lot more.... and by more I mean killer werewolves.

Upon inserting the blu-ray into my player I began to hear the intro music on the menu screen and a huge smile developed on my face. It was comforting, just like this rest of the film. I was surprised to remember so much of The Howling as it unfolded before me. It's still creepy and weird and totally feels like a Dante film. It's a little slow moving during the first half, but makes up for it by the end. The special effects are like a fine chevre and just get better with time, people may disagree with the statement, but they would be wrong.

If you're into werewolves and want to see what they were like in film before Twilight, give this a poke.

Battle Beyond the Stars

Battle Beyond the Stars
1980 [Full Movie]
Director: Jimmy T. Murakami [IMDB]

A childhood favorite of mine right here. I remember this movie being an epic one as a young lad, but up until now I had forgotten it mainly... except for some imagery. I recently discovered it on blu-ray, so I decided to give you a review and I also made a poster.

Synopsis: A peaceful planet must seek out the help of mercenaries to defend itself against an upcoming invasion.

This movie is basically Seven Samurai in outer space. Take that and mix it with the most popular movie franchise at the time, Star Wars, and you have Battle Beyond the Stars. It's campy, it's fun, and also not that great of a film... but I still enjoyed watching it. The score by James Horner is massive, it's truly a work of art to behold. The special effects and model work (partly by James Cameron) will remind you of Star Wars big time, but they still hold up mostly. Battle Beyond the Stars is toted as a Roger Corman cult classic, although I don't know how much he actually had to do with it, as far as I know he was only a producer. Still... it feels like something he would direct.

The main negatives are character development and plot. Lots of weird holes are left open and most of the seven mercenaries are forgettable.

I included a link to the full movie on youtube up at the top of the review, so if you wanna get your retro 80's sci-fi action on... feel free.

Escape from New York & L.A.

John Carpenter... the man, the myth, the legend. Probably my favorite director of all time (well him and a few others) and one whose movies I can easily watch at the drop of a dime. I decided to rewatch two classics in his arsenal... Escape from New York and it's predecessor Escape from L.A. Boom!

Escape from New York
(1981) [Trailer]
Director: John Carpenter [IMDB]

Synopsis: In a dystopian future Manhattan Island has become home to all the United State's prisoners... glad I moved over to Queens recently.

A good way for me to write you off as a person is for you to tell me you don't like this movie. Sure you could joke around and say it, but if you were honest, I'd would think differently about you.

This film is so easy to watch and take in... and even as ridiculous as the concept is, it still makes for a great film. It obviously takes some suspension of disbelief to get behind what Carpenter is selling in EFNY, but if you can, you'll find a story that's dark, satirical, and filled with suspense. I've said on the site before how much I love Kurt Russell and in the role of Snake Plisskin he is the man. A quiet badass who doesn't give a shit about anyone, but still has this code that he follows that make you respect his character.

I could go on about this title, but you just need to see it; stop reading and watch it, or rewatch it.

Escape from L.A.
(1996) [IMDB]
Director: John Carpenter [IMDB]

Synopsis: Same thing as Escape from New York, except in L.A.

Snake is back, yeah buddy! I think the last time I saw this was when I was fresh out of high school.  I had forgotten most of it and really the only thing I remember is everyone always saying it sucked. I would disagree completely. This movie rules and if you're a fan of the first one there's no reason not to like this. It's more of the same... only slightly different. I felt like EFLA was a lot more satirical... I especially loved that they moved the capital of the U.S. to Lynchburg, VA. The story is still completely absurd and some of the effects don't hold up, but I really thought this was a fun movie.

Also the surfing scene with Peter Fonda is incredible... one for the history books.

Repo Man

Repo Man
(1984) [Trailer]
Director: Alex Cox [IMDB]

In high school (and today) I was a fan of the stuff they call the punk rock. If you liked punk, chances are you were fond of the movie Repo Man. I wasn't. I remember little about this film, other than the soundtrack featured Black Flag and the Circle Jerks were the lounge band. I recently picked up the newly pressed Criterion blu-ray and decided to give it a rewatch.

Synopsis: Emilio Chestevez is a punker who falls into the job of repo man... from there, things getting a little weird.

Repo Man is a strange title that might not be for everyone. It's one of those films I think people got attached to when it came out in the 80's then into the 90's. But today I could see a 20 year old watching this for the first time and hating it... but who gives a shit about what a 20 year old thinks. There are lots of funny subtle things the director injects throughout the film which I really enjoyed and I'm not even sure if all of it was on purpose or not. Just like with punk music, it's a stripped down and simple film, but extremely unconventional... and it works.

Repo Man is by no means perfect, there is some poor acting at times and the pacing is a little dicey. I could compare it to when I go back and look at my first band's demo tape. The xeroxed artwork was slightly crooked, there's that bass line I fucked up on, and a slight hum throughout its runtime. Those little flourishes are what gives it its charm. I loved revisiting this film and would recommend the Criterion release, which looks fantastic on blu-ray and the artwork is something to behold.

Star Trek: The Odds (I, III, V)

Awhile back I reviewed all the even numbered Star Trek movies from the original series...guess what? You can check those out right HERE...  go ahead, do it. After watching the new Star Trek Into Darkness film I decided to go back and give all the odd numbered movies from the original series a re-watch.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture
(1979) [Trailer]
Director: Robert Wise [IMDB]

Synopsis: After a 10 year absence from television, the crew of the Enterprise have reunited to go up against an unknown alien presence that's threatening to destroy the Earth.

This film gets a bad rap and many consider it the worst Star Trek film (of the original series.) The main problem for me is... it's way too long, there are all these long drawn-out scenes in space that are unneeded and make things pretty boring at times, especially at the beginning of the film. It has some pretty spectacular special effects, especially for the time, so I think that's why they spend so much time showing them off, but it's really unnecessary.  This was my third time watching this film and like the two times before it I had forgotten what takes place during the movie, I don't know it that's good thing or not. Other than that, the same staples that make most Star Trek films enjoyable are there... a good cast, dialogue and an interesting story... too bad it just takes forever to roll out.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
(1984) [Trailer]
Director: Leonard Nimoy [IMDB]

Synopsis: Kirk and the boys set out to the Genesis planet to find Phil Collins... I'm kidding, they're looking for Spock.

This film relies heavily on Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan to set it up, so I would recommend you watch that before diving into this. That said, it's a pretty descent follow up to Wrath of Khan, but not nearly as good. I like the addition of the Klingons and thought Christopher Lloyd was a good villain, even though it's hard to imagine him as anyone but Doc Brown. The heist of the enterprise was fun to see unfold, although one plot hole... you're telling me there's only one ship Starfleet has available in the surrounding area that can chase after the Enterprise? I call bullshit. I'm not sure why there's so much hate for this film, I've always thought it was alright. There is one thing... the fingering of Spock was a pretty creepy scene.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
(1989) [Trailer]
Director: William Shatner [IMDB]

Synopsis: The Enterprise is highjacked by a man who believes he has found God and takes the crew on a trip to the center of the galaxy to find Heaven.

The first time I saw this film I remember thinking it was really good (I was very young), after a second viewing it dropped tremendously in favorability... so where does it rank now? On my third viewing of The Final Frontier, one thing that stands out immediately, and that's is how bad the dialogue is at times. The comedic tone felt cheesy, as opposed to part IV, which is a genuinely hilarious film. There are definitely some cringe worthy moments, like both scenes involving the rocket boots... ughhh.

One thing really quickly: The Klingon captain is hell bent on fighting the Enterprise, but why, cause he's bored... he just seemed like a wasted character and really unnecessary.

I did like the overall idea of the film, it reminded me of something that would have been explored in the TV series, it just wasn't executed very well. I still don't hate this film, even with all its flaws it was still enjoyable for me, maybe it's because I'm into the characters and the universe... I would imagine this film would be hell for someone that's not into Star Trek.



Next up for me in Star Trek Land will be the Next Generation films. I'm gonna pick up the set on blu-ray soon and I'll have those coming your way at some point soon. Get pumped... or don't. Whatever... asshole.