Friday the 13th - Every Last One of Them... and Yes, I'm Serious.

It's October and Halloween is upon us. Halloween is my favorite holiday (not really, but it helps sell this review), the weather is always nice, evil is in the air and horror movies are abundant. Last Halloween I went through the entire Halloween franchise (which you can read HERE), this year I decided to knock out all 10 of the Friday the 13th films... I think I've made a huge mistake.

This is a special time of year and this is a special review, so I'm including some new shit. I will give this write up the standard Arnold rating, which you have all come to know and love... right? I'm also including two other ratings.

Friday the 13th
(1980)
Director: Sean S. Cunningham

I've seen this a few times now and I still enjoy it... actually I consider it one of the better films in the series. There's no Jason Voorhees in this, which I don't mind since I'll be spending a lot of time with him in all the other ones. There's also a young Kevin Bacon, so all the other people involved, who probably have no acting careers now, can easily win at the game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. All the teen victims are pretty average and the acting is crappy, but it's still fun and plants the seeds for what's to come.

Friday the 13th Part 2
(1981)
Director: Steve Miner

Jason takes the reins in this one and starts his inevitably long journey into killing hundreds of people. I felt like most of the cast were really forgettable in this and the long ass recap in the beginning was pretty annoying. The two best kill scenes in this were lifted from Mario Bava's Bay of Blood... you can watch them and judge for yourself (Bava's machete kill and spear kill and Part II's machete kill and spear kill.) There were a few decent moments here and there but ultimately this film is a little lack luster.

Friday the 13th Part III
(1982)
Director: Steve Miner

Jason is back! This time he finally gets his mask, so I feel like this installment cemented the franchise's lineage. It is also my favorite of all the movies and the one I've seen the most. The cast are memorable and cheesy (in a good way), the gore is at its peak and there is lots of T&A... basically everything that keeps these fine machines oiled.  I really like the 3D angle and think all the scenes shot specifically for it were rad. It's not like Avatar 3D, it's campy drive-in 3D... and it rules. Biker gangs, an annoying fat guy with a fro and a spear gun murder... what more could you ask for?

Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter
(1984)
Director: Joseph Zito

Jason is back! The Final Chapter my ass... there are many more to come. This is probably my second favorite of the Fridays that I've actually watched, we'll see if some of the other unseen "chapters" can persuade me otherwise. Corey Feldman (Tommy) is holding it down in this one and I liked him a lot in Part IV. These films feel like they need a kid you can root for, and he fit that role perfectly. Crispin Glover also dances so awkwardly, it's worth the price of admission alone. Plenty of boobs, plenty of blood, and all the other staples of Friday the 13th. Good times.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
(1985)
Director:Danny Steinmann

Jason is back! Or is he? Money talks I guess and based off the success of Part IV, they decided to relaunch another installment. This film is universally hated amongst fans of the series because... spoiler from 1985... Jason isn't the killer, it's some shitty paramedic dressed up as Jason. But that's not all that sucks here. The redneck neighbors are the worst, the guy from Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun is Space and his girlfriend singing to each other while he takes a shit is really weird, and the new Tommy looks nothing like Corey Feldman. This is watchable but there are certainly many flaws with it.

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI

(1986)

Director: Tom McLoughlin

Jason is back! The first 10 minutes are excellent. The James Bond intro is really killer, also the look of Jason straight out the grave wins points as well. There is yet another Tommy, he's not great. The sheriff is absurd and completely unreal, it's almost comical. There are no boobs in this one... which is offensive! This is the film where we find out that Jason is evil, but not evil enough to murder little children. Part VI is tame mostly and slow at times, it probably falls somewhere in the middle for me.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

(1988)

Director: John Carl Buechler

Jason is back! This time I'd say he looks the best he's looked so far. Especially when his mask is off, I thought the effects on that were rad. There's an interesting stand off at the end which results in Jason burning "dead" alive, which was extremely well done. Then you see him moments later and the dude looks exactly the same... missed opportunity to make him even more gnarly. The ending to Part VII is horrible, the psychic girl's dead father comes back to life to save her... he's been dead under water for years and still looks just like he did when he dead... lame. This one is pretty forgettable overall.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

(1989)

Director: Rob Hedden

Jason is back! This time he's fucking up New York City... well, kind of. This movie should be titled "Jason Takes a Boat" because that's where most of it takes place. Even when he gets to NYC, most of the time it's still on sets or places that aren't really in the city. The boxing scene with Jason scores this film 1 Arnold alone. There are lots of kills and even as bad as Part 8 is, it's still fun to watch. I almost forgot... the girl making her music video is pretty hilarious, the late 80's were some strange times.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

(1993)

Director: Adam Marcus

Jason's back! Kind of. This is the "final" film of this sweeping epic, sounds familiar right? Guess what, still not the last Friday, they gotta send this bitch to space first. With the title inferring that Jason goes to Hell, one would hope for some insane fights between our masked friend and lots of demon critters from the netherworld. One would be wrong. This film is as much a cocktease as Part VIII. He doesn't even go to hell until the movie is over... lame. Jason gets like 10 minute of screen time, ultimately they decided they'd make his "spirit" hop from one host to the next. It was a bad idea and in the end the film suffers immensely.

Jason X
(2001)
Director: James Isaac

Jason is back... in OUTER SPACE! I love the idea of taking horror franchises to space... I don't know why, but I do. Jason X does a decent job of reinventing Friday the 13th and I thought it was kinda fun. It feels like Aliens, except with Jason... also everyone dresses like they're straight off the set of Firefly/Serenity. The ending is a little wanky and I could have done without the android girl that all the sudden turns into Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil. Still, there wasn't anything too offensive and I enjoyed myself with this one.

Are you still there? Good. If you're not, screw you, I didn't want you reading my review anyways. I figured, I came this far, might as well watch the other two films involving Jason... Freddy vs. Jason and the 2009 remake. Here we go... just hold on a little longer.

Freddy vs. Jason
(2003)
Director: Ronnie Yu

Two horror goliaths pair off against each other in a battle of grandiose proportions. The main issue I have with Freddy vs. Jason is that it feels like a Nightmare on Elm Street movie that had to squeeze Jason Voorhees into it somehow. Jason really feels like an afterthought, up until the last 30 mins. The special effects suck badly, the CG doesn't hold up at all... especially the Freddy centipede... dear lord that thing was hilarious. The characters, their back story, and their performances were all bland and forgetful. This should have been awesome, sadly, it was not. Not even close.

Friday the 13th
(2009)
Director: Marcus Nispel

Jason gets a reboot from Michael Bay's production company, which doesn't bode well for him. If you've seen the film Cabin in the Woods, you'll remember how it spoofed on all the cliches in horror films, well 2009's Friday delivers all those cliches, but it's serious. Michael Bay didn't direct this, but it sure feels like he did. It's so over the top and fake. I wasn't hoping for a lot, and this still fell short of my expectations.

Ninja III: The Domination

Ninja III: The Domination
(1984) [Trailer]
Director: Sam Firstenberg [IMDB]

Yesterday I commented on the social media platform known as the Facebook, that there needed to be more movies about ninjas. When I said that, I meant more movies like Ninja III: The Domination. Ninja III is a blast from the past and a film that inspired me to dress up as a ninja and run around my neighborhood like an idiot at the tender age of 8. So when I saw that Shout Factory (my favorite movie studio ever) cranked out this bad boy on baby blu, you know I had to pick it up.

Synopsis: The spirit of an evil ninja takes over the body of that chick from Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

This movie is awesome. I still love it and I found rewatching it to be a nice treat. It's a fun mash up of a horror movie and a ninja flick... which I think is a great idea, don't you? My viewing of Ninja III was like a leisurely stroll down nostalgia lane. When I was a kid I remember wanting to have a ninja cave stocked with weapons like this film, too bad that never happened.

Don't get me wrong,  this isn't a perfect movie and many who find themselves unfamiliar with ninja movies from the 80's will probably think it's shit... they would be wrong however. The acting is pretty abysmal at times and some of the dialogue could be better, but it's a movie about an evil ninja, so who really cares?

I'd definitely pick this up just for the campy 80's-ness of it all. Or, if you're in NYC come over and I'll let you borrow it... I'm cool like that.

Gravity

Gravity
(2013) [Trailer]
Director: Alfonso Cuarón [IMDB]

I went to check out Gravity with some friends of mine last night (Doug & Shawn... shout outs!) and they both left the theater saying the same thing... Gravity didn't feel like a movie to them. I wasn't really sure what they meant by that. What makes something a movie and what criteria excludes film from being....well, a film? If Holy Motors is considered a movie, then this sure is hell is one too. Well, I'm getting ahead of myself, let me stick to the same stupid format I have with all my reviews. Here's your synopsis, then your meat and potatoes.

Synopsis: Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are two astronauts who get stranded in space.

This is absolutely a movie in my book and a really good one to boot. There are a few cheesy moments towards the end, but ultimately it's a film that keeps you on edge and interested for the whole experience. When I mentioned that Doug and Shawn felt like this wasn't a movie, it's because it's extremely realistic. Now, I'm no astronaut and I'm sure not everything is 100% accurate here, but it's Hollywood, who cares. It's entertaining. If I wanted reality, I'd watch a documentary. But I think that's their problem with Gravity, it's a film that's so real, it gives off that docu-type vibe. It pretty awesome in my opinion and doesn't feel like any film I've ever seen.

Besides its technical prowess, it also delivers a suburb score and the performances were all fairly on point. Like I said, there are some wanky moments occasionally with the dialogue but outside of that, it's a home run... nah, it's more like a triple.

This Is the End

This Is the End
(2013) [Trailer]
Director: Evan Goldberg [IMDB], Seth Rogan [IMDB]

I dig everyone involved in this movie. Each actor displayed in that poster over there has done a movie, or movies, that I've really enjoyed and laughed at... primarily Franco and Rogan in Pineapple Express. So, This Is the End should be great right?

Synopsis: A group of Hollywood all stars come together to face the apocalypse.

I liked This Is the End, but didn't love it like many others seemed to. It also feels like it's the kind of film that could grow on you, like whenever I get a haircut... I normally don't like it right away and then after a week it starts to feel right. Hopefully, that'll be the case with This Is the End, except instead of a week, it'll be probably a year or so before I rewatch it.

There are a few awesomely funny moments and some lulls as well. One moment involving a so called penis seemed to be all I heard about before seeing this, it isn't as humorous as I had hoped... and I'm always looking to get a good chuckle from the male reproductive organ.

The cast all seemed natural and comfortable in their roles, which made it more believable... even though the concept is absurd. The ending is a little cheesy and made the film lose some points from me. But who am I really? Just some dude, so watch it for yourself and be the judge.

More Star Trek - The Next Generation Films: Generations, First Contact, Insurrection, Nemesis

I'm continuing my love of Star Trek and reviewing the last set of the films in the franchise I haven't yet addressed on this site... The Next Generation movies. I've done the Evens, the Odds, Into Darkness (which also contains a mini review of Star Trek 2009) and now these films. From here I patiently wait for JJ Abrams, or whoever Hollywood decides to hand the reins to, to make another chapter... or I can just go watch re-runs of Deep Space Nine.

Star Trek: Generations
(1994) [Trailer]
Director: David Carson [IMDB]

Synopsis: The Enterprise tries to halt the activities of a maniac hell bent on finding a passage into a alternate dimension... just give the dude some LSD.

Generations is the bridge film between the old and the new. It feels like it had to be made from some reason... as if Shatner demanded it or something. It's a decent film, I think the one thing it lacks is proper closure. It feels a little rushed and not very climactic. Maybe it was Malcolm McDowell as the villain... I just felt like he wasn't ominous enough. Who knows, but for me the back end of Generations didn't give that wow factor... whatever that is. I do like it mostly as a whole and would definitely rewatch it.

Star Trek: First Contact
(1996) [Trailer]
Director: Jonathan Frakes [IMDB]

Synopsis: The crew travel back in time to stop the Borg from destroying Earth before we made our first jump into warp speed.

Lets be honest... this is the film all Next Gen fans wanted. The Borg were/are the greatest adversaries the Federation has ever known and they needed their own film. Commander Riker takes the director's chair and knocks it out the park. I love this film and it's light years ahead of any of the other TNG titles. First Contact is a really well balanced film and takes all the elements that made TNG great and elevates them. I'd say if you're only going to watch one Next Generation film, it should be this one, but go ahead a watch all of them, okay?

Star Trek: Insurrection
(1998) [Trailer]
Director: Jonathan Frakes [IMDB]

Synopsis: A loner planet is the source of internal youth and the Enterprise steps in to protect it from a threat within the Federation.

Insurrection is widely regarded as the worst Star Trek film ever made and after watching it I realized it was the only film in the franchise I hadn't seen. I'm not sure why I actually never got around to watching it, maybe it was because it got such a bad wrap, but I have to say after checking it out... I like it. I don't understand why it gets the hate it does. There are a few corny moments, but as any fan of TNG will attest to, so did the series. It does feel like a glorified TV episode, but it was still fun to watch. Shit, even my wife, who hates Star Trek, liked it. Don't get me wrong, it's not great by any stretch, but it's still a solid installment.

Star Trek: Nemesis
(2002) [Trailer]
Director: Stuart Baird [IMDB]

Synopsis: Tom Hardy is a genetically modified, younger, Jean-Luc Picard with a secret past and now he's looking to help the Romulans plan an attack on Earth.

First thing I noticed when watching Nemesis, is how similar Tom Hardy's character is to his Bane character in The Dark Knight Rises. Only thing is, he's not as effective in Nemesis and he's one of the better elements of the film. I felt like this one dragged its tail a lot and would definitely be my least favorite of all the TNG titles. It's feels like its story arch peaks early then you're on this extremely long climax that just seems to keep going and going. I didn't hate this film, I was just bored with a lot of it.

The Hunt

The Hunt
(2013) [Trailer]
Director: Thomas Vinterberg [IMDB]

I've seen two other films by Danish director Thomas Vinterberg: 'The Celebration' and 'Submarino', both of which I consider foreign masterpieces. Now comes this new concoction with Mads Mikkelsen in the lead and I'm already sold. I was very pumped to finally get a chance to sit down and check this bad larry out... so here we go.

Spoiler Alert:

Before I begin, I would recommend you watch this film first before reading further. It is great... as you can see at the bottom... 5 Arnolds. It is better going in not knowing what will unfold, as it makes for an intriguing ride... also it'd be hard to review or talk about without spoiling certain aspects of it.

Synopsis: A daycare teacher is falsely accused of improper behavior with one of the children under his care and a little that lie starts to tear his life apart.

This film really does a great job at pissing you off. I've said this before, but kids are assholes. This little girl basically screws this guy's life up and there's nothing he can do. It taught me a valuable lesson though, everybody are assholes.... not just kids (sorry about that kids.) When the girl realizes her fabrication carried some weight and decides to fess up, no one believes her. Everyone automatic assumes he's guilty... because why would children lie. It's basically a no win situation for my boy Mads.

The Hunt is a really fascinating look at the small town dynamic, but with a twist. At first I thought people were reacting way overboard and that the events that take place after he's accused were a bit unbelievable... then I thought about it. They really aren't. People suck. They blindly follow without questioning sometimes... not everyone, but a lot. This guy hadn't even gone to court yet and he was already guilty.

I thoroughly enjoyed this film. It keeps you anxious and guessing what will transpire at every moment. I recommend it, as well as the other two Vinterberg films I mentioned.

Teddy Bear

Teddy Bear
(2012) [Trailer]
Director: Mads Matthiesen [IMDB]

This came in the form of a recommendation from my trusted source for all things movie related... so trusted in fact that I can not reveal his (of her) identity. I was told this was a gem, a diamond in the rough if you will... and you will. 

Synopsis: Dennis is an aging pro body builder who is socially challenged when it comes to hooking up with the ladies. So he decides to go to Thailand where the easy women flow like a full bodied Bordeaux.

Teddy Bear is an extremely enjoyable film and really easy on the viewer. At no point during its run time did I feel bored or removed. It grabs you instantly and brings you on a weird little journey into a world that is captivating and it almost seems real... like a quasi documentary at times. Kim Kold is very affable and pulls out a a performance which is unexpected and raw. I hope to see him in other things in the future.

I can't think of any real negatives at all... it's partly in Danish and partly in English, so if you don't like to read while you watch TV, skip it. Other than that, get going... it's on Netflix instant and it's a winner.