Transformers Marathon (Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and Transformers: The Movie)

I owned a shit ton of Transformers toys as a young boy and I also watched the cartoons religiously. I would say I was a pretty huge fan of the franchise. I believe that's why I was so pissed when I first heard Hollywood was bringing Transformers to the big screen. Nothing is off limits (Jem?) and everything is remade now, and I've come to accept it, but back then it wasn't so common place and it hurt (not really). I vowed never to see Transformers and the same for the sequels when they eventually announced them. Another beloved series for me, The A-Team also got green lit and again, I made that same vow (I actually predicted A-Team would get remade, call me Nostradamus bitch!) Anyways... I finally broke down and saw A-Team... and you know what... I actually thought it was ok. I then decided that I wasn't going to turn my nose up to remakes, and I'd give them a chance. Was this a wise decision with Transformers? Read on and find out.   

Transformers
(2007) [Trailer]
Director: Michael Bay (IMDB)

Synopsis: This brief description will also sum up the other movies so that I wont have to waste your time later... alien robots find their way to earth and battle each other while human onlookers try to help out.

Fucking Michael Bay... man... that guy needs to chill out. This movie is way too over the top. It's annoyingly flashy, way too long, and I found myself tired after watching it. There's a whole lot of bad in this, it's almost too hard to list it out, but I'll try. The comedy is cheap, easy, and ineffective... while the love scenes are unintentionally funny? The robot design is awful, I honestly couldn't tell any of the Decepticons apart from one another. Optimus Prime has lips? I love how the hackers are two guys that look like they could be hackers and a blond Australian supermodel. Just in case you didn't know Transformers sometimes say "What's crackin' little bitches? This looks like a cool place to kick it.".........

 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
 (2009) [Trailer]
Director: Michael Bay (IMDB)

All the same shit from part one rings true for part two, except it's worse. There was no reason for this film to be 2 1/2 hours. I don't mind a long movie when it's done well and necessary to tell the story properly, but I could have easily went in and edited one hour out of this movie and still achieved the same outcome.

Things that are brutal. Megan Fox. The first scene showing her ass off was hilarious, I seriously laughed out loud. The next scene she randomly changes into a white dress just to change back into the leather suit she was just wearing? Moving in day at college... all the roommates happen to be hackers, are already friends, and have an online business already set up? The mom is the absolute worst in this. Pot brownies? Seriously what mom is that clueless as to not know what weed is? Lastly... the twin robots (Mudflap and Skids)... I'll just let you read it for yourself.... Jesus.

Sam: Hey, you know the glyphs? These? The symbols that have been rattling around in my head?
Skids : That's old school, yo. That's like... That's Cybertronian.
Mudflap : That's some serious stuff, right there.
Sam : They gotta mean something, like a map or like map. Like a map to an Energon source! Can you read this?
Skids : Read?
Mudflap : No. We don't really do much reading. Not so much.
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Mudflap: Yes, sir! This is my booty call right here. Time to get my sexy on with the green... 
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Skids: Yo, Leo!
Leo : This thing's gonna give me a heart attack, I swear.
Mudflap : That's 'cause you's a wuss.
Leo : You guys forced me into that car, right? So...
Mudflap : I think he's scared!
Skids : Hey, Mudflap, what are we gonna do with this shrimp taco?
Mudflap : Let's pop a cap in his ass, throw him in the trunk and then nobody gonna know nothing, know what I mean?
Skids : Not in MY trunk!
Leo : Yo, bumper cars? I'm hearing you, okay? I'm right here and I can hear you! No one's popping any caps in any asses, okay? I've had a HELL of a day!
Mudflap : Boogy-boogy-boogy-boo!
Skids : Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?  

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
(2011) [Trailer]
Director: Michael Bay (IMDB)

Well there's actually some good in this film. I enjoyed the first 10 minutes involving the moon landing and the Transformers home world looked pretty cool. John Malkovich was rad and THIS PICTURE was the funniest thing in all three movies. Also the scenes where Chicago is being invaded were impressive. Still, it falls into a lot of the same traps as the first too. It's extremely long, very boring at times, but at least the storyline was a little more interesting than the others.

I don't really have much more to add that I didn't already spew out in the last two reviews. I can't say I was let down, because I wasn't expecting much from any of them.

Transformers: The Movie 
(1986) [Full Movie]
Director: Nelson Shin (IMDB)

This was a little blast from the past and I figured why not after watching all those other turds. This movie better accomplishes what all the Michael Bay's films tried, in half the time.

The animation is fun and still looks okay surprisingly. The soundtrack is really dated but "You Got the TOUCH!" has been stuck in my head all day now, so I guess that says something. I had no idea Orson Welles was the voice of Unicron, that's pretty crazy, times must have been tough. I'm not gonna go crazy in depth on this one, just felt like I should've honored it since I spent 7 1/2 hours with the other films.

Your Highness

Your Highness
(2011) [Trailer]
Director: David Gordon Green (IMDB)

I remember really wanting to check this out last year, but it slipped through the cracks for me. Then I saw all the bad reviews it received and I almost felt kind of happy that I missed it. After I checked it out last night I realized something, I shouldn't listen to the critics.

A knight (James Franco) is accompanied by his slacker brother (Danny McBride) on a quest to help save a damsel (Zooey Deschanel) from a evil wizard. Somewhere along the way Natalie Portman gets into the mix.

I actually liked this, all the naysayers can bite me. If you're a fan of David Gordan Green (Pineapple Express and Eastbound & Down), I think you'd dig this as well. It takes movies like Clash of the Titans (the original), Willow, Krull, and blends in stoner comedy to make a pretty successful film. I understand it could be a lot better, but it's definitely not bad. James Franco is awesome as always and Danny McBride plays a good version of his normal shtick. There's lot of really funny moments, especially the Minotaur scene and the Great Wise Wizard scene . There are unfortunately a lot of lulls and I found myself bored from time to time... but it was late... and I had a few glasses of wine so..... who really knows. I would recommend this, it's on HBO on demand right now. Go for it!

Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever
(2002) [Trailer]
Director: Eli Roth (IMDB)

Bad horror movies are a dime a dozen and I have a soft spot in my heart for them. Out of any genre, horror is one of my favorites and the easiest to go with when I'm undecided on what to watch. Horror flicks, especially from the 70's and 80's are great for turning off your mind and just relaxing. With that said, these films don't always get a pass. They need to have that special something in there to make them enjoyable, I don't know exactly what that something is, but I know it when I see it. Fuck, does that make any sense?

A group of college kids head out to the woods to stay at a cabin for the week. The gang realize after arriving that they've made a huge mistake when people start contracting a killer flesh eating virus.

First the bad.  The acting is spotty, and the dialogue is painful at times. I think the writer/director Eli Roth was trying to capture this idea of stupid college kids from the 90's, and a lot of times it was believable and other times, it was not. It just seemed a little too forced. The scene with the store keeper and the group of black guys at the end of the film was brutal, like one of those things where you're embarrassed to just be watching it.

Next the good. The gore, blood splatter, and practical effects were pretty awesome. The scene with the razor in the bathtub is gut wrenching and the final outcome of the blond chick is very cool looking. I also liked some of the weird elements interspersed throughout the movie, like the little kid screaming "pancakes" and busting into a kung-fu routine, also the strange bunny rabbit guy in the emergency room. Little extras like that helped save the movie for me.

I feel like Roth was trying to make a campy B movie and it was somewhat successful overall. It's also really impressive how much this movie was made for, 1.5 million. It's by no means perfect, but I was entertained.

Attack the Block

Attack the Block
(2011) [Trailer]
Director: Joe Cornish (IMDB)

When I was younger I lived in the UK, in Wales to be exact. When I moved to the States around the second grade and I had a heavy English accent. I would imagine that the second grade Curtis wouldn't  have any problem understanding the characters in this movie, the adult Curtis, the one typing this now, did have a hard time.

A group of local hoodlums in South London have the night of their young lives when Aliens touch down for a little visit.

This movie is extremely awesome and came in at number 10 for my top ten in 2011. I was kidding earlier about the accents, yes they are heavy and there is a lot of London slang, but it's still pretty easy to follow along.   The casting in this is perfect and I enjoyed every character. To give you some comparisons, think if The Goonies, The Thing, and Gremlins all got mashed up in England. The creature design in this is great and very effective in my book. I don't know, I can't really think of anything I don't like about this film, it rules. It's available on blu-ray, VOD, and you can check the trailer HERE.

The Hunter

The Hunter
(2011) [Trailer]
Director: Daniel Nettheim (IMDB)

Look at Willem Dafoe right over there on that movie poster. Over there <----. He looks really cool. That beard is pretty sweet, not quite as sweet as this beard, but pretty close.

A professional hunter (Willem Dafoe) is hired by a biotech company to track down the elusive Tasmanian Tiger, which is thought to be extinct. Locals in Tasmania get into the mix and the job doesn't turn out to be as easy as Willem thought.

I enjoyed this film and found it pretty entertaining. It's not a masterpiece but pretty solid overall. Willem is awesome in this, and is very believable as a bad ass hunter. The cinematography is incredible. The scenery of Tasmania really helps elevate the film and make it stand out. The story is okay but there are some weird things here and there with the family dynamic that's introduced. I think if it stuck to the hunting stuff and the conflict with the locals, it could have been a better film. With that said, it wasn't anything that ruined it for me.

It's being released this week in theaters but is also available through video on demand now. Check it out, it's worth your time.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
(1948) [Trailer]
Director: John Huston (IMDB)

I had this movie on for no longer then 5 minutes before my wife said it was boring and tuned out. Take that for what you will, I found it to be the complete opposite of boring. Maybe she thought that because it was in black and white and from the 40's, or maybe it really is boring and I'm a boring dude. I do know it ranks up there in a lot of people's best ever category, including Kubrick and PT Anderson (who watched it every night for inspiration while filming There Will Be Blood.) I'll do my best to defend it now.

Three men head out into the Sierra Madre in search of gold. They find gold, but also a lot more then they bargained for.

This movie, like There Will Be Blood, showcases man's greed and how it can become the downfall of him. The story for this film is really solid and executed perfectly by Humphrey Bogart, Walter Huston and Tim Holt. It's success lays in those two elements, but also in it's setting, the Mexican back drop is really pleasing and is cool to see on film from the 40's and in B&W. I'll avoid spoilers but, this movie also surprised me at the end. I'd like to revisit this film again sometime down the road, I wonder if it's on blu-ray? [types in www.amazon.com]

Once Upon a Time in the West

Once Upon a Time in the West
(1968) [Trailer]
Director: Sergio Leone (IMDB)

The first time I drove through the deserts of the southwest I remember thinking it was one of the most beautiful places on earth. So vast, rugged and untouched by man. Until that point in my life I had only seen images like that in the movies, movies like Once Upon a Time in the West. I was finally a cowboy reconnecting with the land, or some shit like that.

The story for this is a bit complex and hard to explain, so here's a quick account. A widow is visited by the man accused of killing her husband. Meanwhile a mysterious man named Harmonica shows up to help the accused man take down the real killer.

Like all Sergio Leone films I've seen, I loved this. There's so much good in this it's really hard to encapsulate it all into one short review. I thoroughly enjoyed the opening scene, it's orchestrated with regular sounds instead of music in a way that adds a sense of tension or unease and it really stood out in a weird, but good, way. There's also a fantastic scene in the middle of the film with this long tracking shot that follows Frank (Henry Fonda) in the background as his hops from train car to train car a while you see dead bodies disbursed about in the foreground... really good stuff. Speaking of Frank, Henry Fonda, Jason Robards, and Charles Bronson are all great in their roles as well, and I am in love with Claudia Cardinale... sorry wife (at least she's probably all old and wrinkley now, unlike your boy Ryan Gosling...he's so hot right now.)

There's a lot more that I can talk about, but I'll leave you to form your own opinion if you haven't seen the movie yet. If you have, we'll have a discussion about it later. Okay? Good.