I owned a shit ton of Transformers toys as a young boy and I also watched the cartoons religiously. I would say I was a pretty huge fan of the franchise. I believe that's why I was so pissed when I first heard Hollywood was bringing Transformers to the big screen. Nothing is off limits (Jem?) and everything is remade now, and I've come to accept it, but back then it wasn't so common place and it hurt (not really). I vowed never to see Transformers and the same for the sequels when they eventually announced them. Another beloved series for me, The A-Team also got green lit and again, I made that same vow (I actually predicted A-Team would get remade, call me Nostradamus bitch!) Anyways... I finally broke down and saw A-Team... and you know what... I actually thought it was ok. I then decided that I wasn't going to turn my nose up to remakes, and I'd give them a chance. Was this a wise decision with Transformers? Read on and find out.
(2007) [Trailer]
Director: Michael Bay (IMDB)
Synopsis: This brief description will also sum up the other movies so that I wont have to waste your time later... alien robots find their way to earth and battle each other while human onlookers try to help out.
Fucking Michael Bay... man... that guy needs to chill out. This movie is way too over the top. It's annoyingly flashy, way too long, and I found myself tired after watching it. There's a whole lot of bad in this, it's almost too hard to list it out, but I'll try. The comedy is cheap, easy, and ineffective... while the love scenes are unintentionally funny? The robot design is awful, I honestly couldn't tell any of the Decepticons apart from one another. Optimus Prime has lips? I love how the hackers are two guys that look like they could be hackers and a blond Australian supermodel. Just in case you didn't know Transformers sometimes say "What's crackin' little bitches? This looks like a cool place to kick it.".........
(2009) [Trailer]
Director: Michael Bay (IMDB)
All the same shit from part one rings true for part two, except it's worse. There was no reason for this film to be 2 1/2 hours. I don't mind a long movie when it's done well and necessary to tell the story properly, but I could have easily went in and edited one hour out of this movie and still achieved the same outcome.
Things that are brutal. Megan Fox. The first scene showing her ass off was hilarious, I seriously laughed out loud. The next scene she randomly changes into a white dress just to change back into the leather suit she was just wearing? Moving in day at college... all the roommates happen to be hackers, are already friends, and have an online business already set up? The mom is the absolute worst in this. Pot brownies? Seriously what mom is that clueless as to not know what weed is? Lastly... the twin robots (Mudflap and Skids)... I'll just let you read it for yourself.... Jesus.
Sam: Hey, you know the glyphs? These? The symbols that have been rattling around in my head?
Skids : That's old school, yo. That's like... That's Cybertronian.
Mudflap : That's some serious stuff, right there.
Sam : They gotta mean something, like a map or like map. Like a map to an Energon source! Can you read this?
Skids : Read?
Mudflap : No. We don't really do much reading. Not so much.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mudflap: Yes, sir! This is my booty call right here. Time to get my sexy on with the green...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Skids: Yo, Leo!
Leo : This thing's gonna give me a heart attack, I swear.
Mudflap : That's 'cause you's a wuss.
Leo : You guys forced me into that car, right? So...
Mudflap : I think he's scared!
Skids : Hey, Mudflap, what are we gonna do with this shrimp taco?
Mudflap : Let's pop a cap in his ass, throw him in the trunk and then nobody gonna know nothing, know what I mean?
Skids : Not in MY trunk!
Leo : Yo, bumper cars? I'm hearing you, okay? I'm right here and I can hear you! No one's popping any caps in any asses, okay? I've had a HELL of a day!
Mudflap : Boogy-boogy-boogy-boo!
Skids : Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?
(2011) [Trailer]
Director: Michael Bay (IMDB)
Well there's actually some good in this film. I enjoyed the first 10 minutes involving the moon landing and the Transformers home world looked pretty cool. John Malkovich was rad and THIS PICTURE was the funniest thing in all three movies. Also the scenes where Chicago is being invaded were impressive. Still, it falls into a lot of the same traps as the first too. It's extremely long, very boring at times, but at least the storyline was a little more interesting than the others.
I don't really have much more to add that I didn't already spew out in the last two reviews. I can't say I was let down, because I wasn't expecting much from any of them.
Transformers: The Movie (1986) [Full Movie]
Director: Nelson Shin (IMDB)
This was a little blast from the past and I figured why not after watching all those other turds. This movie better accomplishes what all the Michael Bay's films tried, in half the time.
The animation is fun and still looks okay surprisingly. The soundtrack is really dated but "You Got the TOUCH!" has been stuck in my head all day now, so I guess that says something. I had no idea Orson Welles was the voice of Unicron, that's pretty crazy, times must have been tough. I'm not gonna go crazy in depth on this one, just felt like I should've honored it since I spent 7 1/2 hours with the other films.
No comments:
Post a Comment