Only Lovers Left Alive

Only Lovers Left Alive
(2014)
Director: Jim Jarmusch [IMDB]

I watched a copy of this film that was procured from the internet. I know what you're thinking... "that's bad Curtis." You would be right. It was wrong of me to do so and normally I try not too. But here's the thing-- this film has been available to watch online for over a month, but it just got a theatrical release this weekend. It's stupid. Hollywood should just put that shit out there for sale on VOD. I'd much rather buy a high quality download... or heavens forbid they release a blu-ray early. If you don't want pirating, give the consumer options. I'm sorry Hollywood. I'm sorry I watched a bootleg. It was wrong... but I do own over 600 blu-rays... so do you think you could give me a pass? I promise when this is available to buy, I will get it. Cool?

Synopsis: Two modern day vampires deal with living forever.

Jim Jarmusch is a quality film maker, and OLLA continues his streak of successful films. I really dug the angle he took on the vampire genre. It's real easy to see a typical vampire flick and there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, I love tons of them. But it's nice to see a director like Jarmusch put a cool spin on that universe. This film isn't scary, it's just a look into the lives of two vampires living in Detroit and how they deal with eternity. I thought Loki was really well cast and I loved the whole troubled musician angle they gave his character. I also thought shooting it in Detroit and Morocco was perfect. The two locations were distinctly different yet both had a strange eerieness to them.

This most reminded me of The Limits of Control, but better. I think if you dig Jarmusch's filmography, you'll like this.

BONUS: Jim Jarmusch's filmography ranked!

1. Mystery Train
2. Stranger Than Paradise
3. Broken Flowers
4. Permanent Vacation
5. Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai
6. Only Lovers Left Alive
7. Deadman
8. Night on Earth
9. The Limits of Control
10. Coffee and Cigarettes

I Still Like M. NIght Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs, and Lady in the Water)

I wrote this review up months ago and forgot about it. I don't know if that means anything, but I guess you could read into it a little. Everyone thinks M. Night sucks now and have wrote him off (kinda like me forgetting this review.) The man has cranked out some hits and I'm about to revisit them.

The Sixth Sense
(1999) [Trailer]
Director: M. Night Shyamalan [IMDB]

Synopsis: A doctor starts seeing a child with a secret... he likes jam bands.

1999 was an insane year for movies. There were a tone of rad titles that dropped that year and among all of them, The Sixth Sense was one of my favorites. I think everyone has seen this film, but what I don't know is if everyone has rewatched it. It has a really different vibe once you've seen it and know what to expect. The performances, especially from Haley Joel Osment and Toni Collette are great. The story has a Hitchcockian vibe but is still feels original and unfolds at a perfect pace... and there's even a few horror notes in there which work fantastically. Bravo M. Night... bravo!

Unbreakable
(2000) [Trailer]
Director: M. Night Shyamalan [IMDB]

Synopsis: A lone survivor of a cataclysmic train wreck learns there might be more to his escape than he thought after he meets a local comic book nerd.

I recall checking this film out in the theaters and loving every minute of it. I honestly couldn't remember a lot of it before this rewatch and was unsure if it would hold up. It's still pretty good, not great, but a lot of fun. I like the concept behind this film and it still feels extremely original and fresh 13 years later. Unbreakable is a unique twist on a super hero flick and one I think would have been cool to see a sequel for. I wasn't a huge fan of how quickly the ending unfolds, I think Shyamalan could have took it in a better direction, but ultimately this film is a winner in my book.

Signs
(2002) [Trailer]
Director: M. Night Shyamalan [IMDB]

Synopsis: Are mysterious signs being formed out of corn crops a hoax or a message from aliens? Signs takes a deeper look into this phenomenon.

Signs was pretty thrilling when I first saw it, I remember my arm hairs standing up when they first showed that Alien crossing the street in Central America. After this sitting, it still holds up for the most part I suppose. The cast were great and pulled off the material given to them with ease, but the story seemed a little weak to me. The crop circles are a small part of a grand idea, but I think that idea could have been more localized and contained, instead of trying to make Signs into a full scale invasion movie. I also felt like the ending was extremely abrupt and crisis resolves itself in an really unsatisfying way. I still like the film, I just think M. Night could have produced something better.

Lady in the Water
(2006) [Trailer]
Director: M. Night Shyamalan [IMDB]

Synopsis: A modern day fairytale unfolds as the residences of a Philly apartment deal with a mysterious visitor from their swimming pool.

I think this was the film that really started the ball rolling on the M. Night hate express. I know a lot of people loathed it but I still think it's a good film and after my recent viewing I still stand firm on that. It definitely has its flaws but I really appreciate the idea Shyamalan had with it and the execution of that concept is unique. I think the framing device in the intro and the old Korean lady were quasi lazy attempts to move the story along and it seems like there could have been a better way to handle it. Regardless, the story is fun, the characters were interesting, and the setting was incredible.

Friday the 13th - Every Last One of Them... and Yes, I'm Serious.

It's October and Halloween is upon us. Halloween is my favorite holiday (not really, but it helps sell this review), the weather is always nice, evil is in the air and horror movies are abundant. Last Halloween I went through the entire Halloween franchise (which you can read HERE), this year I decided to knock out all 10 of the Friday the 13th films... I think I've made a huge mistake.

This is a special time of year and this is a special review, so I'm including some new shit. I will give this write up the standard Arnold rating, which you have all come to know and love... right? I'm also including two other ratings.

Friday the 13th
(1980)
Director: Sean S. Cunningham

I've seen this a few times now and I still enjoy it... actually I consider it one of the better films in the series. There's no Jason Voorhees in this, which I don't mind since I'll be spending a lot of time with him in all the other ones. There's also a young Kevin Bacon, so all the other people involved, who probably have no acting careers now, can easily win at the game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. All the teen victims are pretty average and the acting is crappy, but it's still fun and plants the seeds for what's to come.

Friday the 13th Part 2
(1981)
Director: Steve Miner

Jason takes the reins in this one and starts his inevitably long journey into killing hundreds of people. I felt like most of the cast were really forgettable in this and the long ass recap in the beginning was pretty annoying. The two best kill scenes in this were lifted from Mario Bava's Bay of Blood... you can watch them and judge for yourself (Bava's machete kill and spear kill and Part II's machete kill and spear kill.) There were a few decent moments here and there but ultimately this film is a little lack luster.

Friday the 13th Part III
(1982)
Director: Steve Miner

Jason is back! This time he finally gets his mask, so I feel like this installment cemented the franchise's lineage. It is also my favorite of all the movies and the one I've seen the most. The cast are memorable and cheesy (in a good way), the gore is at its peak and there is lots of T&A... basically everything that keeps these fine machines oiled.  I really like the 3D angle and think all the scenes shot specifically for it were rad. It's not like Avatar 3D, it's campy drive-in 3D... and it rules. Biker gangs, an annoying fat guy with a fro and a spear gun murder... what more could you ask for?

Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter
(1984)
Director: Joseph Zito

Jason is back! The Final Chapter my ass... there are many more to come. This is probably my second favorite of the Fridays that I've actually watched, we'll see if some of the other unseen "chapters" can persuade me otherwise. Corey Feldman (Tommy) is holding it down in this one and I liked him a lot in Part IV. These films feel like they need a kid you can root for, and he fit that role perfectly. Crispin Glover also dances so awkwardly, it's worth the price of admission alone. Plenty of boobs, plenty of blood, and all the other staples of Friday the 13th. Good times.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
(1985)
Director:Danny Steinmann

Jason is back! Or is he? Money talks I guess and based off the success of Part IV, they decided to relaunch another installment. This film is universally hated amongst fans of the series because... spoiler from 1985... Jason isn't the killer, it's some shitty paramedic dressed up as Jason. But that's not all that sucks here. The redneck neighbors are the worst, the guy from Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun is Space and his girlfriend singing to each other while he takes a shit is really weird, and the new Tommy looks nothing like Corey Feldman. This is watchable but there are certainly many flaws with it.

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI

(1986)

Director: Tom McLoughlin

Jason is back! The first 10 minutes are excellent. The James Bond intro is really killer, also the look of Jason straight out the grave wins points as well. There is yet another Tommy, he's not great. The sheriff is absurd and completely unreal, it's almost comical. There are no boobs in this one... which is offensive! This is the film where we find out that Jason is evil, but not evil enough to murder little children. Part VI is tame mostly and slow at times, it probably falls somewhere in the middle for me.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

(1988)

Director: John Carl Buechler

Jason is back! This time I'd say he looks the best he's looked so far. Especially when his mask is off, I thought the effects on that were rad. There's an interesting stand off at the end which results in Jason burning "dead" alive, which was extremely well done. Then you see him moments later and the dude looks exactly the same... missed opportunity to make him even more gnarly. The ending to Part VII is horrible, the psychic girl's dead father comes back to life to save her... he's been dead under water for years and still looks just like he did when he dead... lame. This one is pretty forgettable overall.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

(1989)

Director: Rob Hedden

Jason is back! This time he's fucking up New York City... well, kind of. This movie should be titled "Jason Takes a Boat" because that's where most of it takes place. Even when he gets to NYC, most of the time it's still on sets or places that aren't really in the city. The boxing scene with Jason scores this film 1 Arnold alone. There are lots of kills and even as bad as Part 8 is, it's still fun to watch. I almost forgot... the girl making her music video is pretty hilarious, the late 80's were some strange times.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

(1993)

Director: Adam Marcus

Jason's back! Kind of. This is the "final" film of this sweeping epic, sounds familiar right? Guess what, still not the last Friday, they gotta send this bitch to space first. With the title inferring that Jason goes to Hell, one would hope for some insane fights between our masked friend and lots of demon critters from the netherworld. One would be wrong. This film is as much a cocktease as Part VIII. He doesn't even go to hell until the movie is over... lame. Jason gets like 10 minute of screen time, ultimately they decided they'd make his "spirit" hop from one host to the next. It was a bad idea and in the end the film suffers immensely.

Jason X
(2001)
Director: James Isaac

Jason is back... in OUTER SPACE! I love the idea of taking horror franchises to space... I don't know why, but I do. Jason X does a decent job of reinventing Friday the 13th and I thought it was kinda fun. It feels like Aliens, except with Jason... also everyone dresses like they're straight off the set of Firefly/Serenity. The ending is a little wanky and I could have done without the android girl that all the sudden turns into Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil. Still, there wasn't anything too offensive and I enjoyed myself with this one.

Are you still there? Good. If you're not, screw you, I didn't want you reading my review anyways. I figured, I came this far, might as well watch the other two films involving Jason... Freddy vs. Jason and the 2009 remake. Here we go... just hold on a little longer.

Freddy vs. Jason
(2003)
Director: Ronnie Yu

Two horror goliaths pair off against each other in a battle of grandiose proportions. The main issue I have with Freddy vs. Jason is that it feels like a Nightmare on Elm Street movie that had to squeeze Jason Voorhees into it somehow. Jason really feels like an afterthought, up until the last 30 mins. The special effects suck badly, the CG doesn't hold up at all... especially the Freddy centipede... dear lord that thing was hilarious. The characters, their back story, and their performances were all bland and forgetful. This should have been awesome, sadly, it was not. Not even close.

Friday the 13th
(2009)
Director: Marcus Nispel

Jason gets a reboot from Michael Bay's production company, which doesn't bode well for him. If you've seen the film Cabin in the Woods, you'll remember how it spoofed on all the cliches in horror films, well 2009's Friday delivers all those cliches, but it's serious. Michael Bay didn't direct this, but it sure feels like he did. It's so over the top and fake. I wasn't hoping for a lot, and this still fell short of my expectations.

Ninja III: The Domination

Ninja III: The Domination
(1984) [Trailer]
Director: Sam Firstenberg [IMDB]

Yesterday I commented on the social media platform known as the Facebook, that there needed to be more movies about ninjas. When I said that, I meant more movies like Ninja III: The Domination. Ninja III is a blast from the past and a film that inspired me to dress up as a ninja and run around my neighborhood like an idiot at the tender age of 8. So when I saw that Shout Factory (my favorite movie studio ever) cranked out this bad boy on baby blu, you know I had to pick it up.

Synopsis: The spirit of an evil ninja takes over the body of that chick from Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

This movie is awesome. I still love it and I found rewatching it to be a nice treat. It's a fun mash up of a horror movie and a ninja flick... which I think is a great idea, don't you? My viewing of Ninja III was like a leisurely stroll down nostalgia lane. When I was a kid I remember wanting to have a ninja cave stocked with weapons like this film, too bad that never happened.

Don't get me wrong,  this isn't a perfect movie and many who find themselves unfamiliar with ninja movies from the 80's will probably think it's shit... they would be wrong however. The acting is pretty abysmal at times and some of the dialogue could be better, but it's a movie about an evil ninja, so who really cares?

I'd definitely pick this up just for the campy 80's-ness of it all. Or, if you're in NYC come over and I'll let you borrow it... I'm cool like that.

Bad Milo

Bad Milo
(2013) [Trailer]
Director: Jacob Vaughan [IMDB]

Everyone has gone to the bathroom at one point in their lives and had an epic battle with the porcelain pony... and it stinks. That is what this site has been reduced to, scatological humor... sorry. But basically you're going to get an hour and a half of that if you dig into Bad Milo.

Synopsis: High amounts of stress cause a man, who looks like a cross between Ray Romano and Jason Bateman, to start growing an evil monster inside his bowels.

Checking out Bad Milo was priority after initially seeing the trailer a few weeks ago. It immediately reminded me of Basket Case (which I love) mixed with the Gremlins. I relish campy horror, and look forward to viewing anything within that realm, but I was a little uncertain whether Bad Milo could hold up... it does. It's no where near perfect but it is a fun movie that obviously doesn't take itself too seriously. I really like that they went practical used a puppet (or animatronics... not sure) but I wasn't a fan of the shitty (no pun intended) CGI blood. I mean if you're going to go all out and rock a hand crafted Milo, why not splurge and get some buckets of fake blood?

All told, Bad Milo made me laugh a few times, and it stays true to form. The film is raunchy at times, so if you're easily offended, steer clear... however I'd recommend it for horror fans. Also you get to hang out with Peter Stormare for a bit... love Peter Stormare.

You're Next

You're Next
(2013) [Trailer]
Director: Adam Wingard [IMDB]

You're Next has been getting a slew of impressive reviews but barely made any noise at the box office this past weekend. I really wanted to squeeze in time for its opening but couldn't get around to it until yesterday, when my good friend and movie going buddy Doug accompanied me to the cheapo theater in queens... I love the cheapo theater.

Synopsis: A family reunion goes south quickly as they soon come to find out they've been targeted for extermination by home invaders.

You're Next was a banger and really exceeded my expectations, which weren't really low... so that's good right? It's dabbles in the slasher and home invasion genres but offers a pretty unique twist which was refreshing (I won't go into it... you know... spoilers and stuff.) If I had went into this movie and received another Funny Games or The Strangers, I would have been let down. Not that those are bad films, they rule, but I wanted something fresh and You're Next delivered. Two things that really impressed me, besides the spoiler stuff I can't get into, were the score and pacing. The score rings out nods to some of the best 80's synth scores around, think Carpenter meets Tangerine Dream, it was a real treat. With the pacing, right out of the gate You're Next offers up a brutal scene that hooks you, then works itself through another hour and a half of good times without seeming boring or stale.

There were a few issues acting-wise but other than that I can't think of any real negatives that spoiled the experience.

I'd definitely spend some time with this film, especially if you're a horror fan.

Sharknado

Sharknado
(2013) [Trailer]
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante [IMDB]

Unless you're internet illiterate you've probably heard about SyFy's newest smash hit Sharknado. Sharks seem to be all the rage, they even have their own week now, so why not capitalize off that and make a movie about them forming a tornado of death. Seems legit. 

Synopsis: I think you can figure it out.

This movie is terrible. I strongly considered not wasting my time with a review, but after a couple of days away from it, I felt I should belt out a few words. I am a firm believer in the "so bad it's good" credo and I know many films that would fall into this category... Sharknado is not one of them. The casting is sad, the performances are even sadder... is that a word? I mean, Tara Reid is a mother of two fully grown adults, Tara Reid... the girl from American Pie, who is only in her 30's. 

Sharknado could have been hilarious, but its overly serious tone and bad CG just did nothing for me. There will be those who tell you "It's about sharks, in a tornado, come on... it's great." They would be lying to you. Save your time and watch Leprechaun.