It's October and Halloween is upon us. Halloween is my favorite holiday (not really, but it helps sell this review), the weather is always nice, evil is in the air and horror movies are abundant. Last Halloween I went through the entire Halloween franchise (which you can read HERE), this year I decided to knock out all 10 of the Friday the 13th films... I think I've made a huge mistake.
This is a special time of year and this is a special review, so I'm including some new shit. I will give this write up the standard Arnold rating, which you have all come to know and love... right? I'm also including two other ratings.
(1980)
Director: Sean S. Cunningham
I've seen this a few times now and I still enjoy it... actually I consider it one of the better films in the series. There's no Jason Voorhees in this, which I don't mind since I'll be spending a lot of time with him in all the other ones. There's also a young Kevin Bacon, so all the other people involved, who probably have no acting careers now, can easily win at the game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. All the teen victims are pretty average and the acting is crappy, but it's still fun and plants the seeds for what's to come.
(1981)
Director: Steve Miner
Jason takes the reins in this one and starts his inevitably long journey into killing hundreds of people. I felt like most of the cast were really forgettable in this and the long ass recap in the beginning was pretty annoying. The two best kill scenes in this were lifted from Mario Bava's Bay of Blood... you can watch them and judge for yourself (Bava's machete kill and spear kill and Part II's machete kill and spear kill.) There were a few decent moments here and there but ultimately this film is a little lack luster.
Friday the 13th Part III
(1982)
Director: Steve Miner
Jason is back! This time he finally gets his mask, so I feel like this installment cemented the franchise's lineage. It is also my favorite of all the movies and the one I've seen the most. The cast are memorable and cheesy (in a good way), the gore is at its peak and there is lots of T&A... basically everything that keeps these fine machines oiled. I really like the 3D angle and think all the scenes shot specifically for it were rad. It's not like Avatar 3D, it's campy drive-in 3D... and it rules. Biker gangs, an annoying fat guy with a fro and a spear gun murder... what more could you ask for?
(1984)
Director: Joseph Zito
Jason is back! The Final Chapter my ass... there are many more to come. This is probably my second favorite of the Fridays that I've actually watched, we'll see if some of the other unseen "chapters" can persuade me otherwise. Corey Feldman (Tommy) is holding it down in this one and I liked him a lot in Part IV. These films feel like they need a kid you can root for, and he fit that role perfectly. Crispin Glover also dances so awkwardly, it's worth the price of admission alone. Plenty of boobs, plenty of blood, and all the other staples of Friday the 13th. Good times.
(1985)
Director:Danny Steinmann
Jason is back! Or is he? Money talks I guess and based off the success of Part IV, they decided to relaunch another installment. This film is universally hated amongst fans of the series because... spoiler from 1985... Jason isn't the killer, it's some shitty paramedic dressed up as Jason. But that's not all that sucks here. The redneck neighbors are the worst, the guy from Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun is Space and his girlfriend singing to each other while he takes a shit is really weird, and the new Tommy looks nothing like Corey Feldman. This is watchable but there are certainly many flaws with it.
(1986)
Director: Tom McLoughlin
Jason is back! The first 10 minutes are excellent. The James Bond intro is really killer, also the look of Jason straight out the grave wins points as well. There is yet another Tommy, he's not great. The sheriff is absurd and completely unreal, it's almost comical. There are no boobs in this one... which is offensive! This is the film where we find out that Jason is evil, but not evil enough to murder little children. Part VI is tame mostly and slow at times, it probably falls somewhere in the middle for me.
(1988)
Director: John Carl Buechler
Jason is back! This time I'd say he looks the best he's looked so far. Especially when his mask is off, I thought the effects on that were rad. There's an interesting stand off at the end which results in Jason burning "dead" alive, which was extremely well done. Then you see him moments later and the dude looks exactly the same... missed opportunity to make him even more gnarly. The ending to Part VII is horrible, the psychic girl's dead father comes back to life to save her... he's been dead under water for years and still looks just like he did when he dead... lame. This one is pretty forgettable overall.
(1989)
Director: Rob Hedden
Jason is back! This time he's fucking up New York City... well, kind of. This movie should be titled "Jason Takes a Boat" because that's where most of it takes place. Even when he gets to NYC, most of the time it's still on sets or places that aren't really in the city. The boxing scene with Jason scores this film 1 Arnold alone. There are lots of kills and even as bad as Part 8 is, it's still fun to watch. I almost forgot... the girl making her music video is pretty hilarious, the late 80's were some strange times.
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
(1993)
Director: Adam Marcus
Jason's back! Kind of. This is the "final" film of this sweeping epic, sounds familiar right? Guess what, still not the last Friday, they gotta send this bitch to space first. With the title inferring that Jason goes to Hell, one would hope for some insane fights between our masked friend and lots of demon critters from the netherworld. One would be wrong. This film is as much a cocktease as Part VIII. He doesn't even go to hell until the movie is over... lame. Jason gets like 10 minute of screen time, ultimately they decided they'd make his "spirit" hop from one host to the next. It was a bad idea and in the end the film suffers immensely.
Jason X
(2001)
Director: James Isaac
(2001)
Director: James Isaac
Jason is back... in OUTER SPACE! I love the idea of taking horror franchises to space... I don't know why, but I do. Jason X does a decent job of reinventing Friday the 13th and I thought it was kinda fun. It feels like Aliens, except with Jason... also everyone dresses like they're straight off the set of Firefly/Serenity. The ending is a little wanky and I could have done without the android girl that all the sudden turns into Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil. Still, there wasn't anything too offensive and I enjoyed myself with this one.
Are you still there? Good. If you're not, screw you, I didn't want you reading my review anyways. I figured, I came this far, might as well watch the other two films involving Jason... Freddy vs. Jason and the 2009 remake. Here we go... just hold on a little longer.
(2003)
Director: Ronnie Yu
Two horror goliaths pair off against each other in a battle of grandiose proportions. The main issue I have with Freddy vs. Jason is that it feels like a Nightmare on Elm Street movie that had to squeeze Jason Voorhees into it somehow. Jason really feels like an afterthought, up until the last 30 mins. The special effects suck badly, the CG doesn't hold up at all... especially the Freddy centipede... dear lord that thing was hilarious. The characters, their back story, and their performances were all bland and forgetful. This should have been awesome, sadly, it was not. Not even close.
(2009)
Director: Marcus Nispel
Jason gets a reboot from Michael Bay's production company, which doesn't bode well for him. If you've seen the film Cabin in the Woods, you'll remember how it spoofed on all the cliches in horror films, well 2009's Friday delivers all those cliches, but it's serious. Michael Bay didn't direct this, but it sure feels like he did. It's so over the top and fake. I wasn't hoping for a lot, and this still fell short of my expectations.
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