Friday the 13th - Every Last One of Them... and Yes, I'm Serious.

It's October and Halloween is upon us. Halloween is my favorite holiday (not really, but it helps sell this review), the weather is always nice, evil is in the air and horror movies are abundant. Last Halloween I went through the entire Halloween franchise (which you can read HERE), this year I decided to knock out all 10 of the Friday the 13th films... I think I've made a huge mistake.

This is a special time of year and this is a special review, so I'm including some new shit. I will give this write up the standard Arnold rating, which you have all come to know and love... right? I'm also including two other ratings.

Friday the 13th
(1980)
Director: Sean S. Cunningham

I've seen this a few times now and I still enjoy it... actually I consider it one of the better films in the series. There's no Jason Voorhees in this, which I don't mind since I'll be spending a lot of time with him in all the other ones. There's also a young Kevin Bacon, so all the other people involved, who probably have no acting careers now, can easily win at the game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. All the teen victims are pretty average and the acting is crappy, but it's still fun and plants the seeds for what's to come.

Friday the 13th Part 2
(1981)
Director: Steve Miner

Jason takes the reins in this one and starts his inevitably long journey into killing hundreds of people. I felt like most of the cast were really forgettable in this and the long ass recap in the beginning was pretty annoying. The two best kill scenes in this were lifted from Mario Bava's Bay of Blood... you can watch them and judge for yourself (Bava's machete kill and spear kill and Part II's machete kill and spear kill.) There were a few decent moments here and there but ultimately this film is a little lack luster.

Friday the 13th Part III
(1982)
Director: Steve Miner

Jason is back! This time he finally gets his mask, so I feel like this installment cemented the franchise's lineage. It is also my favorite of all the movies and the one I've seen the most. The cast are memorable and cheesy (in a good way), the gore is at its peak and there is lots of T&A... basically everything that keeps these fine machines oiled.  I really like the 3D angle and think all the scenes shot specifically for it were rad. It's not like Avatar 3D, it's campy drive-in 3D... and it rules. Biker gangs, an annoying fat guy with a fro and a spear gun murder... what more could you ask for?

Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter
(1984)
Director: Joseph Zito

Jason is back! The Final Chapter my ass... there are many more to come. This is probably my second favorite of the Fridays that I've actually watched, we'll see if some of the other unseen "chapters" can persuade me otherwise. Corey Feldman (Tommy) is holding it down in this one and I liked him a lot in Part IV. These films feel like they need a kid you can root for, and he fit that role perfectly. Crispin Glover also dances so awkwardly, it's worth the price of admission alone. Plenty of boobs, plenty of blood, and all the other staples of Friday the 13th. Good times.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
(1985)
Director:Danny Steinmann

Jason is back! Or is he? Money talks I guess and based off the success of Part IV, they decided to relaunch another installment. This film is universally hated amongst fans of the series because... spoiler from 1985... Jason isn't the killer, it's some shitty paramedic dressed up as Jason. But that's not all that sucks here. The redneck neighbors are the worst, the guy from Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun is Space and his girlfriend singing to each other while he takes a shit is really weird, and the new Tommy looks nothing like Corey Feldman. This is watchable but there are certainly many flaws with it.

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI

(1986)

Director: Tom McLoughlin

Jason is back! The first 10 minutes are excellent. The James Bond intro is really killer, also the look of Jason straight out the grave wins points as well. There is yet another Tommy, he's not great. The sheriff is absurd and completely unreal, it's almost comical. There are no boobs in this one... which is offensive! This is the film where we find out that Jason is evil, but not evil enough to murder little children. Part VI is tame mostly and slow at times, it probably falls somewhere in the middle for me.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

(1988)

Director: John Carl Buechler

Jason is back! This time I'd say he looks the best he's looked so far. Especially when his mask is off, I thought the effects on that were rad. There's an interesting stand off at the end which results in Jason burning "dead" alive, which was extremely well done. Then you see him moments later and the dude looks exactly the same... missed opportunity to make him even more gnarly. The ending to Part VII is horrible, the psychic girl's dead father comes back to life to save her... he's been dead under water for years and still looks just like he did when he dead... lame. This one is pretty forgettable overall.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

(1989)

Director: Rob Hedden

Jason is back! This time he's fucking up New York City... well, kind of. This movie should be titled "Jason Takes a Boat" because that's where most of it takes place. Even when he gets to NYC, most of the time it's still on sets or places that aren't really in the city. The boxing scene with Jason scores this film 1 Arnold alone. There are lots of kills and even as bad as Part 8 is, it's still fun to watch. I almost forgot... the girl making her music video is pretty hilarious, the late 80's were some strange times.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

(1993)

Director: Adam Marcus

Jason's back! Kind of. This is the "final" film of this sweeping epic, sounds familiar right? Guess what, still not the last Friday, they gotta send this bitch to space first. With the title inferring that Jason goes to Hell, one would hope for some insane fights between our masked friend and lots of demon critters from the netherworld. One would be wrong. This film is as much a cocktease as Part VIII. He doesn't even go to hell until the movie is over... lame. Jason gets like 10 minute of screen time, ultimately they decided they'd make his "spirit" hop from one host to the next. It was a bad idea and in the end the film suffers immensely.

Jason X
(2001)
Director: James Isaac

Jason is back... in OUTER SPACE! I love the idea of taking horror franchises to space... I don't know why, but I do. Jason X does a decent job of reinventing Friday the 13th and I thought it was kinda fun. It feels like Aliens, except with Jason... also everyone dresses like they're straight off the set of Firefly/Serenity. The ending is a little wanky and I could have done without the android girl that all the sudden turns into Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil. Still, there wasn't anything too offensive and I enjoyed myself with this one.

Are you still there? Good. If you're not, screw you, I didn't want you reading my review anyways. I figured, I came this far, might as well watch the other two films involving Jason... Freddy vs. Jason and the 2009 remake. Here we go... just hold on a little longer.

Freddy vs. Jason
(2003)
Director: Ronnie Yu

Two horror goliaths pair off against each other in a battle of grandiose proportions. The main issue I have with Freddy vs. Jason is that it feels like a Nightmare on Elm Street movie that had to squeeze Jason Voorhees into it somehow. Jason really feels like an afterthought, up until the last 30 mins. The special effects suck badly, the CG doesn't hold up at all... especially the Freddy centipede... dear lord that thing was hilarious. The characters, their back story, and their performances were all bland and forgetful. This should have been awesome, sadly, it was not. Not even close.

Friday the 13th
(2009)
Director: Marcus Nispel

Jason gets a reboot from Michael Bay's production company, which doesn't bode well for him. If you've seen the film Cabin in the Woods, you'll remember how it spoofed on all the cliches in horror films, well 2009's Friday delivers all those cliches, but it's serious. Michael Bay didn't direct this, but it sure feels like he did. It's so over the top and fake. I wasn't hoping for a lot, and this still fell short of my expectations.

More Star Trek - The Next Generation Films: Generations, First Contact, Insurrection, Nemesis

I'm continuing my love of Star Trek and reviewing the last set of the films in the franchise I haven't yet addressed on this site... The Next Generation movies. I've done the Evens, the Odds, Into Darkness (which also contains a mini review of Star Trek 2009) and now these films. From here I patiently wait for JJ Abrams, or whoever Hollywood decides to hand the reins to, to make another chapter... or I can just go watch re-runs of Deep Space Nine.

Star Trek: Generations
(1994) [Trailer]
Director: David Carson [IMDB]

Synopsis: The Enterprise tries to halt the activities of a maniac hell bent on finding a passage into a alternate dimension... just give the dude some LSD.

Generations is the bridge film between the old and the new. It feels like it had to be made from some reason... as if Shatner demanded it or something. It's a decent film, I think the one thing it lacks is proper closure. It feels a little rushed and not very climactic. Maybe it was Malcolm McDowell as the villain... I just felt like he wasn't ominous enough. Who knows, but for me the back end of Generations didn't give that wow factor... whatever that is. I do like it mostly as a whole and would definitely rewatch it.

Star Trek: First Contact
(1996) [Trailer]
Director: Jonathan Frakes [IMDB]

Synopsis: The crew travel back in time to stop the Borg from destroying Earth before we made our first jump into warp speed.

Lets be honest... this is the film all Next Gen fans wanted. The Borg were/are the greatest adversaries the Federation has ever known and they needed their own film. Commander Riker takes the director's chair and knocks it out the park. I love this film and it's light years ahead of any of the other TNG titles. First Contact is a really well balanced film and takes all the elements that made TNG great and elevates them. I'd say if you're only going to watch one Next Generation film, it should be this one, but go ahead a watch all of them, okay?

Star Trek: Insurrection
(1998) [Trailer]
Director: Jonathan Frakes [IMDB]

Synopsis: A loner planet is the source of internal youth and the Enterprise steps in to protect it from a threat within the Federation.

Insurrection is widely regarded as the worst Star Trek film ever made and after watching it I realized it was the only film in the franchise I hadn't seen. I'm not sure why I actually never got around to watching it, maybe it was because it got such a bad wrap, but I have to say after checking it out... I like it. I don't understand why it gets the hate it does. There are a few corny moments, but as any fan of TNG will attest to, so did the series. It does feel like a glorified TV episode, but it was still fun to watch. Shit, even my wife, who hates Star Trek, liked it. Don't get me wrong, it's not great by any stretch, but it's still a solid installment.

Star Trek: Nemesis
(2002) [Trailer]
Director: Stuart Baird [IMDB]

Synopsis: Tom Hardy is a genetically modified, younger, Jean-Luc Picard with a secret past and now he's looking to help the Romulans plan an attack on Earth.

First thing I noticed when watching Nemesis, is how similar Tom Hardy's character is to his Bane character in The Dark Knight Rises. Only thing is, he's not as effective in Nemesis and he's one of the better elements of the film. I felt like this one dragged its tail a lot and would definitely be my least favorite of all the TNG titles. It's feels like its story arch peaks early then you're on this extremely long climax that just seems to keep going and going. I didn't hate this film, I was just bored with a lot of it.

Escape from New York & L.A.

John Carpenter... the man, the myth, the legend. Probably my favorite director of all time (well him and a few others) and one whose movies I can easily watch at the drop of a dime. I decided to rewatch two classics in his arsenal... Escape from New York and it's predecessor Escape from L.A. Boom!

Escape from New York
(1981) [Trailer]
Director: John Carpenter [IMDB]

Synopsis: In a dystopian future Manhattan Island has become home to all the United State's prisoners... glad I moved over to Queens recently.

A good way for me to write you off as a person is for you to tell me you don't like this movie. Sure you could joke around and say it, but if you were honest, I'd would think differently about you.

This film is so easy to watch and take in... and even as ridiculous as the concept is, it still makes for a great film. It obviously takes some suspension of disbelief to get behind what Carpenter is selling in EFNY, but if you can, you'll find a story that's dark, satirical, and filled with suspense. I've said on the site before how much I love Kurt Russell and in the role of Snake Plisskin he is the man. A quiet badass who doesn't give a shit about anyone, but still has this code that he follows that make you respect his character.

I could go on about this title, but you just need to see it; stop reading and watch it, or rewatch it.

Escape from L.A.
(1996) [IMDB]
Director: John Carpenter [IMDB]

Synopsis: Same thing as Escape from New York, except in L.A.

Snake is back, yeah buddy! I think the last time I saw this was when I was fresh out of high school.  I had forgotten most of it and really the only thing I remember is everyone always saying it sucked. I would disagree completely. This movie rules and if you're a fan of the first one there's no reason not to like this. It's more of the same... only slightly different. I felt like EFLA was a lot more satirical... I especially loved that they moved the capital of the U.S. to Lynchburg, VA. The story is still completely absurd and some of the effects don't hold up, but I really thought this was a fun movie.

Also the surfing scene with Peter Fonda is incredible... one for the history books.

Living in Oblivion

Living in Oblivion
(1995) [Trailer]
Director: Tom DiCillo [IMDB]

My buddy Michael recommended I check this title out and I like to listen to my friends. You're welcome Michael.

Synopsis: Steve Buscemi, Catherine Keener and a whole host of other actors (including a nice cameo from Tyrion Lannister) try to make a low budget movie.

Living in Oblivion is really surprising and it doesn't feel like it's trying to emulate any other movie. It stands out as a unique viewing experience and one I'd like to have again. It's a comedy... but done in a way that doesn't beat you over the head. I found myself laughing a lot and the jokes weren't cheap and easy, which I appreciated.

Living in Oblivion is also unconventional in the way it's presented. With any film crew, they'll have to go through numerous takes to get a shot right and that's what happens in this movie, but they put you through that experience as well... which is the best part. The repetitiveness of the film seems like it could be annoying, but I found it helped build up things in a rewarding way. Like some weird set up to a punch line. Also by planting itself in the behind the scenes world of film making, it helped produce something very interesting and that locale is not often used in movies, which was refreshing.

I thought this was a homerun and I'm surprised I've never heard of it until now, definitely going to give it a big recommendation and I'm gonna end up buying it at some point I would imagine.

The Star Wars Saga

Unless you're living in a bubble, you've probably heard that Disney plans on releasing new Star Wars movies starting as early as 2015 with Episode VII. I, like most, was pretty happy to hear the good news, mainly because we'll get new material that won't be under the tight grip of George Lucas, but instead under the direction of J.J. Abrams. In preparation I decided to sit down with all the films and rewatch them.

First off, everyone has seen Star Wars, well mostly everyone... so I'm going to take a little bit of a different approach to these reviews. I'll skip the synopsis and instead start my reviews with my initial introduction to each film.

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope 

(1977) [Trailer]

Director: George Lucas [IMDB]

I think I've seen this film more than any other film in history. I know it backwards and forwards. If the government wanted to indoctrinate the youth of America during the 80's, all they would have needed to do was slip subliminal messages inside this film and it would have gotten the job done.

For me, what makes Star Wars so successful, is the character development. Each major character has a specific role and it's filled perfectly. It's a completely opposite story for The Phantom Menace... but we'll get to that.

Highlights: John Williams' score. "These aren't the droids you're looking for." Mos Eisley Cantina. The Jawa's cruiser. "Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?"

Lowlights: All the newly added bullshit by Lucas.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

(1980) [Trailer]

Director: Irvin Kershner [IMDB]

Empire is my favorite in the saga and one of the best sci-fi films ever made. It has a great story with a nice dark cliff hanger to end it. The action, drama and romance are all masterfully interwoven throughout to keep your attention. Out of all the films, this has the best sets pieces as well. I can pop this on at any moment and be completely content.

Empire is the most serious of all the titles. There's not a lot of happiness to it, not that I don't mind the tone of A New Hope and Return of the Jedi, but Empire is just scarier. Everyone is uncertain and on the run, there's no brightside, it's a real stand out among the series.

Highlights: The Hoth snow battle and the AT-AT (there isn't a child in American who saw this film that didn't want an AT-AT toy.) The Jedi training with Yoda. The fight between Luke and Vader. Sleeping in a ton-ton. Lando. 

Lowlights: None.

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi

(1983) [Trailer]

Director: Richard Marquand [IMDB]

This is first film I actually remember seeing in the theater. I loved Return of the Jedi as a kid and I'm pretty certain I owned every toy from it. It's on par with A New Hope in my opinion, or maybe a slight notch below it, but it's close. I know a lot of people hate the Ewoks but they're not annoying to me. People think they were added in for the kids, and maybe it's nostalgia because I was a kid, but as an adult I think they add a nice lighthearted element to the film.

Jedi is a great ending to the original trilogy. Although the ending is a little more involved than the others, it still manages to wrap effortlessly and it ties all the elements of the first two films up into a nice package. 

Highlights: The green pig guards of Jabba's palace, I don't know why, but I always liked them. Chewie petting Solo after he's unfrozen from carbonite. When Luke says he's a Jedi and Yoda laughs at him. The different techniques the Ewoks use to attack the imperial troops.

Lowlights: I mentioned earlier the fuckery by Lucas in Episode IV... but changing the song for Jabba's band and adding in the new CGI singers is gross... plus replacing the original Anakin ghost with Hayden Christensen is offensive.

The original Star Wars trilogy is one of the strongest trilogies in movie history and its watchability is massive. All the characters grow in such an impressive way and each film is as important as the other. It's a wonderful thing, even after George Lucas went back and attempted to "make it better."

Now on to the prequels.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

(1999) [Trailer]

Director: George Lucas [IMDB]

I remember when news broke of this movie and how excited I was to finally be getting another installment in the Star Wars universe. I eagerly waited in line opening night, like so many other fans. I took my seat and then the opening crawl font popped up... I was in heaven. Then I started to read it and something felt off. Ok, no worries, lets just get into this. 15 minutes in and I knew things were really fucking bad. There was so much that had happened on screen and none of it seemed important. It was like a long winded reenactment of some political scandal, only in space. Halfway through the film I realized... shit, there's no protagonist, no real character development... nothing... just boring CGI and bad acting. What in the hell, how could Lucas screw up that badly? 

Highlights: Nothing.

Lowlights: There are so many bad elements to pick from. Jar Jar is the glaringly obvious one... but he's so easy to tear into. I think something that isn't mentioned enough is Darth Maul-- what a shitty bad guy. When you first saw him in the trailer he looked bad ass. Then you see him on screen and you feel nothing for him. Seriously... compare him to Darth Vadar. Darth Vadar is built up as this ruthless leader hell bent on crushing the rebellion and he instilled fear in everyone around him. Darth Maul just looks evil, other than that, you don't know shit about him. Why is he evil? Why does he want to kill these Jedi? He's an after thought.

My only hope after watching Episode I was that maybe others hated it as much as me (they did) and that Lucas Films would have gotten the message and delivered a better product for Episode II.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

(2002) [Trailer]

Director: George Lucas [IMDB]

The follow up to the train wreck that was Episode I, Episode II held a lot of promise and potential. I mean... what could be worse than that last joke of a movie? Again, I was duped into watching this opening weekend, anticipating greatness... but alas... it was awful. I don't know how, but Lucas managed to crank out a film even more horrendous than Episode I.

More so than any of the other films in the prequels, I noticed how bad the acting is. Everyone seems so aware of their surroundings and the fact that the majority of this film takes place in front of a green screen shows.


Episode II's biggest problem is that it's way too long and boring. It was fucking hard rewatching this film and I almost turned it off because I really couldn't have given a shit about anyone in the film. The story is emotionally void and the fact that it's as bad as it is, after the crapfest of Episode I, makes me hate it even more.


Highlights: The ending credits.

Lowlights: Episode II contains what might be one of the most forced and awkward love stories ever to unfold on the big screen. Again, the lack of any real villain leads to an extremely anticlimactic ending.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
(2005) [Trailer]
Director: George Lucas [IMDB]

Even after two major disappointments, I found myself back in the theaters for opening weekend. This time I wouldn't be tricked, I went in excepting horse shit... what I got wasn't exactly that.

This film isn't great, don't get me wrong, but it's alittle more bearable than Episode I & II. At this point, if you've made it this far, you actually have a little background on the characters. This helps make the ending a little more impactful.

Highlights: No Jar Jar (except for a few moments.) The hunt for all the Jedi. And finally a decent antagonist... Emperor Palpatine.

Lowlights: It's still pretty boring and feels like it takes for ever to unfold.

At this point, honestly, I'm over writing about these prequels. Even though, this film is slightly better than the other two, it's still pretty bland and definitely not worth the time invested.